Author's note: Please feel free to post this story to any free site, as long as the following conditions are met. It shall not be posted to any site charging a fee for reading it, either direct or indirect (avs), the story remains fully intact, and the original author shall be credited in entirety.

This story contains harsh language and scenes of a frank sexual nature and is not suitable for younger readers. Also if you are offended by Transgendered, Gay, and Lesbian themes, please be gone...this is not the story for you (unless your morbid curiosity gets the better of you (*giggle*), but consider yourself warned).

I would like to give a special thanks to my friends, Jezzi Belle Stewart and Kathy Cosenza. They helped me to find my direction when I stalled half way through and helped with the proofreading. Also I would like to thank Terry for her work on the proofing.

Lisa (Lcaitlingrey@aol.com)

 

Rediscovering Caitlin

by Lisa Grey

 

Chapter 1: Discoveries

"I can't believe I agreed to do this," Lynn groused.

"Oh come on, Lynn. It's not like anybody is gonna see you," Janet half teased, half soothed.

Janet looked at her boyfriend. Lynn stood there in the doorway of the bathroom in their hotel room, his below-the-shoulder length brown hair dripping from the bath he was just in. Lynn was not the most masculine guy on the planet to be sure. He was slender, his 5'6" frame only weighing in at 130 pounds. His waist was just small enough and his hips were just wide enough that Janet really thought this was going to work. She could hardly wait to see the end result, especially now that she could see how smooth and soft his skin looked once he had removed his sparse smattering of body hair.

"Come over here, baby," Janet commanded. He complied and she began rubbing lotion on his newly smooth limbs and chest.

Lynn, for his part, was enjoying the attention, but he knew all to soon he would be most uncomfortable indeed. Janet was a great girl, but sometimes she got some very odd ideas about what would be fun.

She had carefully maneuvered Lynn into agreeing to this by making a silly bet with him. Foolishly, he had agreed to the "winner's choice" stakes, but he never thought she would beat him at volleyball. Not that he was chauvinistic, but he had played volleyball on his high school team and was pretty good at it. What he didn't know until after the fact was she had competed up to the national level on her own high school team. It wasn't a shutout, but she pretty much handed him his head. He could only stand there sputtering when she told him how she planned to collect the payoff. He had had no choice but to agree. After all a bet was a bet.

Lynn was discovering a great deal about his girlfriend. She loved him. That he knew. They had started dating six months ago when they had met at college mixer. They had been inseparable ever since. Still, he had been totally unprepared for the revelations she made when explaining her diabolical plot. She was, she had explained, very bi. While she was monogamous and really loved Lynn, she missed the tender intimacy that two women could share. Her solution was to teach Lynn to fill this void in her life. In the face of this confession of love and devotion to him, how could he not agree to at least try what she asked of him as ridiculous as it may seem, and she couldn't know how painful it would be for him. He agreed to spend the rest of the night and the next day dressed as her woman.

She finished rubbing the lotion on him and handed him a pair of black thong panties. He took them as if they would burn his fingers at any moment. Slowly he pulled them up into place, his package bulging out the front of them. She pursed her lips, thinking.

"Hmmm, that simply won't do, hon," she said critically. "Women are supposed to be smooth there," pointing to the bulge. "How about you tuck that back between your legs. I have read that your…um…testicals will go up inside, as well."

Lynn fiddled with the arrangement, finally getting his balls to go inside and his penis folded back. Then he snugged the panties up and they held every thing in place. He had to admit his crotch did take on an amazingly feminine look.

Next she handed him a somewhat padded black lace bra, which she helped him into. She stood back and assessed his looks. She was pleased. Surprisingly, even though they had not gotten to makeup yet, there was definitely a girl standing in front of her. Lynn seemed to be a natural…until he moved, then the effect was shattered. Janet sighed and directed him to sit on the foot of the bed.

After blow-drying his hair, she began to weave his long brunette tresses into a lovely French braid. He loved the feeling of someone fussing with his hair. It was very relaxing. Soon she had the braid completed, tying it off with a length of white velvet ribbon. Getting out her "tool kit", she opened the makeup case and began applying cosmetics to his face. Occasionally their eyes would meet a she worked, his filled partly with discomfort, partly with wry amusement, hers filled with bright happiness and gratitude.

He kept trying to see himself in the mirror that was just out of range, but she steadfastly refused to let him look until she was done. She completed her work on his makeup with something unexpected. Before he knew what was going on, he heard a familiar click and felt a familiar sharp burning pain in his right ear. She had just pierced his right ear. He knew the sensation from when he had had his left ear done twice. Oh well, he knew it would heal up later when she realized how foolish this was going to be.

Janet had Lynn put on a olive tank top that teasingly bared his flat smooth midriff, followed by a pair of attractive white denim shorts that were just long enough to cover his tan lines from his trunks. *We'll have to correct those later* she mused. She completed the ensemble with a fine gold necklace from which hung a beautiful outlined heart encrusted with diamonds. She stood back and surveyed her work. With a bright grin she nodded in satisfaction. She wanted to paint his nails, but Lynn was about to burst with curiosity about how he looked. She relented and had him close his eyes as she led him to the hotel room's full length mirror. Again, she noticed, the effect was spoiled by his movement.

When she gave him the ok, Lynn opened his eyes…and gasped. There in the mirror looking back at him with pale grey eyes, was a vision. She was certainly no supermodel, her hips where a little too narrow and her shoulders a little too wide, but she had the girl-next-door beauty that would have the guys falling all over themselves to impress her. Lynn reached out slowly and lovingly touched fingertips with the girl in the mirror. If she hadn't followed his movements exactly, he might have doubted what he was seeing. She was undeniably female. Her eyes though: They had the most haunted and pained look for a moment, almost as if they had experienced some horrible trauma in the past. Janet would have sworn she saw recognition there too. The tableau held until Lynn turned to look at her in profile. The girl's movement suddenly became all wrong and Lynn burst out laughing. The beauty in the mirror moved with the abrupt harshness of a male.

 

Chapter 2: An Odd Reaction

After painting Lynn's finger and toenails, she spent the next couple of hours trying to coach some feminine grace into Lynn's movements. It was like pulling teeth, and the sun was soon dropping below the horizon. Finally, in the gathering darkness, Janet nodded.

"I guess that will have to do," Janet said contemplatively.

"What do you mean that will have to do," Lynn asked suspiciously.

"Well, I thought my scrumptious new girlfriend and I might take a moon light walk on the beach," Janet said, bracing herself for the coming battle.

"I see," said Lynn, neutrally. "Janet, I thought you said nobody was gonna see me like this." An inexplicable look of horror again passed through those lovely grey eyes.

Well at least he hadn't flatly refused to do it. "Lynn, it will be dark. Nobody will see anything odd. They will just think it is two girls walking down the beach. I promise if you are too uncomfortable we can come right back, but won't you at least try…for me?" Janet's ice blue eyes pleaded from under her mass of strawberry blonde hair.

In the end, Lynn could never refuse a look like that from his beloved Janet. He had to admit the rewards were bound to be impressive, as she launched her lithe body at him, hugging him tightly in happiness.

So it was that Lynn found himself in feminine attire, walking on the beach with his ladylove. It was a lovely moon lit night, and the pungent smell of the salt water assaulted his nostrils as the waves crashed on to the beach in phosphorescent explosions of sound. The gentle rhythm of the waves soothed Lynn's troubled heart, and soon he was enjoying himself as Janet held his hand possessively.

As they walked they chatted about inconsequential things when no one else was in earshot, but slowly their speech gave way to furtive glances at the other. Those turned into long meaningful glances, and soon the couple found themselves standing on the mostly deserted beach kissing passionately. They didn't really care about the people who walked on by staring at the two apparent girls locked in a passionate embrace, mainly because the lovers didn't notice. For the moment their worlds revolved around each other.

Janet had convinced Lynn to screw up his courage enough to stop and have a drink at one of the little outdoor beachfront bars. They were both getting a little fatigued from walking in the sand and welcomed the chance to sit and have a drink. She had chosen one that wasn't very well lit to preserve Lynn's "cloak of darkness". Lynn sat at a table while Janet went to the bar and got him a 'rumrunner' and a pina colada for herself.

They were well into their second round of drinks when two men approached their table. Lynn stiffened as he noticed their approach. Janet just smiled at him reassuringly and mouthed the words 'I'll take care of it'.

"What are two enchanting young ladies like yourselves doing on the beach alone?" the well-built blonde man asked them.

"Taylor, there must be a law against this somewhere," the other equally handsome brown haired man said.

"Well, Alan, if there isn't, there certainly should be," the blonde named 'Taylor' said.

"Guys, give it a rest, would ya," Janet said. "We really didn't come here to get picked up, ok?"

"Forgive me, dear lady," the one called Alan said smoothly, "we didn't mean to intrude, but we were so blown away by your loveliness," at this Janet gave a musical little laugh and Lynn looked down shyly, hoping the darkness hid the burning sensation he felt on his face that he knew was a blush, "we had to come over and at least offer to buy you drinks."

"Guys! Please," Janet tried again, this time taking Lynn's hand possessively. "Your offer is appreciated, but we are kinda like…together, you know?"

The look of disappointment on the guys' faces turned to a knowing grin when they looked at each other. They turned out to be pretty decent guys, because they just nodded their acceptance and moved on to the bar. They weren't quite through yet though, because they returned with a round of drinks for the two supposed girls.

"Guys, what is this?" Janet asked, looking mildly annoyed.

"It is our way of apologizing for the intrusion and saying the two of you being together, while a terrible loss to the male population, is ok with us," Taylor said. Then they turned to go.

"Thanks guys, really, I am touched," Janet said smiling at them as they smiled and waved over their shoulders. Lynn even found the fortitude to look up and smile shyly at them.

"See, I told you those smiles would be worth it…" Alan was saying as the men moved off.

The thing about Rumrunners is they are mostly all liquor. And unless you are fairly large or you drink a lot, neither of which applied to Lynn, the effects can really sneak up on you. Lynn felt ok until they got up to leave, then he realized he was in a tad of trouble. It wasn't that he was going to be sick or anything, but after three of the concoctions, he wasn't walking too well. The loose sand hopelessly confounded his already challenged motor coordination as they walked back up the beach toward their hotel. He was leaning on Janet quite a bit as they walked. It was a testament to her strength and fitness that they made it half way back before having to stop and rest.

Janet eased Lynn to a sitting position on the ground then sat behind him, pulling him back and pillowing his head on her smallish breasts. Soon a combination of alcohol, the gentle susurrus of the waves washing onto shore, and Janet's even gentler stroking of Lynn's hair lulled him into sleep.

Janet looked down at her unconscious lover. Her ice blue eyes held such tenderness in them that anybody who could have seen would have known that Lynn was the one she wanted to spend her life with. She was bigger then Lynn, her densely packed athlete's muscles giving her not only a height advantage but also a weight advantage. His testosterone charged muscles could still more than match her strength, but he still seemed smaller and weaker than her. Especially now, dressed as he was. That never seemed to bother him, as it had with some men she had gone out with. Janet somehow knew then that she had found a one in a million man in Lynn. She wondered though. She had seen the most profound pain and sadness pass through his liquid grey eyes when he was deep in thought. It seemed to be happening more tonight, but for the life of her, she couldn't figure it out.

She woke her lover after they had sat there for at least an hour. "Wake up sleepy head," she crooned, and he moaned groggily against her. "Wake up love, we have to get back to the hotel. It's getting late." He nodded and began to rouse himself.

"Feeling better?" she asked, grinning as they got up and brushed the gritty sand from themselves.

"Loads, sorry about that. I forget how those things sneak up on you," He said, grinning sheepishly.

"Sokay," Janet smiled, "I thought it was kinda sweet, and in character. My girl can't hold her liquor."

They both laughed at this and moved off toward the hotel.

As they began to get closer to their hotel the air became heavy with the acrid odor of smoke. Not the pleasant smell of a campfire either, it was the synthetic toxic smell of a structure fire. As they drew in to view of their hotel, they stopped cold, appalled by the debacle that greeted them.

It was their hotel that was burning. Worse yet, the flames were pouring out of the wing that had housed their room. Janet looked at Lynn in wide-eyed mute apology. She saw the horrible realization make the connection inside his eyes, and as he looked down at himself, at the attire he wore, she once again saw the naked pain and suffering in his eyes. This time it didn't go away. What they knew was that they would have to deal with the hotel management and possibly others dressed as they were, because that is all they had now.

Lynn seemed to reach a decision. Janet was watching as his posture shifted subtlety. He turned to her and cocked his head, indicating for her to follow, then 'she' began walking toward the hotel. Janet trailed along behind in amazement as her boyfriend's movements and gait took on an unmistakable, undeniable, graceful feminine form. And that was only the beginning of the shocks she was about to experience that night.

As she and Lynn walked up to the crowd of hotel patrons and on lookers, a hotel employee approached them.

"Excuse me ladies, are you guests at our hotel," the young man asked.

"Yes, we are guests, or were," Lynn said in a perfectly feminine, even sexy, contralto. Janet's mouth dropped open and she looked at Lynn like he had grown two heads.

"Could I have your names and room numbers please," the man asked, not noticing anything odd at all about Lynn.

"I am Lynn Davies and this is my friend Janet Easton. We were both staying in room 318," Lynn said without a trace of masculinity or self-consciousness.

A pained expression crossed the young man's face when he heard the room number, but he dutifully logged it on his clipboard before looking up and addressing them with sympathy.

"I am very sorry, but your room was one of the ones that was totally lost. I am truly glad to see you ladies were not hurt. You need to go see Mr. Talmidge, that gentleman over there. He is handling the property loss and arrangements for accommodations." With that he moved to the next group of people.

Janet followed dumbly along in Lynn's wake as 'she' swept up to the man pointed out to be Talmidge. After they had identifed themselves to him, he asked them a lot of questions and then gave them each a clipboard and asked that on the sheets they catalogue any property that might have been lost and the approximate value. He also added that arrangements were being made for all the displaced guests.

"That won't be necessary, sir," Lynn told the man. At his arched eyebrow, she continued, "We only live about an hour from here. I think it would be best if we just returned home after we are finished here, and save the available accommodations for those that don't have that option." Luckily, Janet had their car keys and wallets with their ID's and credit cards in her fanny pack, along with most of their smaller valuables.

"That's quite generous of you, miss," for that was indeed what Lynn was at the moment, "and it will be appreciated. Again, we apologize for the inconvenience. We will get you on the road in no time."

True to his word, two hours later, the girls were told they were no longer needed. As soon as they were in Lynn's big black 4x4 extended cab Ford and underway with Janet in the driver's seat, Lynn slumped, and 'Lynn the man' returned.

"Hon," Janet said looking over at this strange person beside her as she stopped for a red light, "we really need to talk."

Lynn looked over at her, the weariness battling on his face with, what was it…guilt? Janet couldn't tell, but Lynn just made an assenting motion as the light turned green and Janet got the big truck back into motion.

 

Chapter 3: Revelations

When Lynn didn't say anything for a long time, Janet turned off the road to a drive-on portion of the beach. The big mud terrain tires tossed massive amounts of the loose sand into the air as Janet's irritation made her driving more aggressive. She finally slid to a stop just before coming to the packed portion marking the highest point the waves washed. She slammed the truck's gear selector into 'park', leaving the engine running and the A/C going, and turned in her seat to face Lynn. She looked at him and waited expectantly.

Lynn seemed to shrink into the seat under her withering gaze. He could tell she was angry with him, but he really didn't want to relive this part of his life. He sat there paralyzed, torn between giving his lover the explanation she deserved and not wanting to delve into the old pain and torment that he had kept so buried along with 'her'.

"Lynn, you have been hiding things from me. That makes me angry, but I can tell what you are hiding is painful to you. Please tell me, so I won't have any doubts about us, and maybe I can help you deal with what ever terribleness you have locked inside you," Janet pleaded.

Lynn met her gaze and seemed to steel himself.

"It was 8 years ago. I was 16 and was getting into drugs big time. The drugs had changed me. I had become rebellious and sometimes even violent. I had been arrested for possession a couple of times and the next time was going to land me in prison," Lynn began the tale. "My parents loved me and desperately wanted to help, but I was out of control. They sent me to a 'special school' that claimed to be able to change my ways. Have you ever heard of 'petticoat punishment'? Well, this was the school's stock in trade…"

-----------------------------------------------

I arrived at Philadelphia airport. I'd left my home in Florida, wearing my attitude as both a shield and a weapon. Stalking down the jet way, I was ready to give anyone that made the mistake of speaking to me a large dose of the anger that burned inside of me. I was totally unprepared for the elemental force of nature that met me.

She was a stunning dark haired beauty, kind of like a young Joan Severance. She really got my teenaged hormones in an uproar, and I completely forgot to be the asshole I was planning on. She introduced her self as Maya, and said she ran the school that I would be attending. She just stood there for a moment, eyeing me critically, sizing me up.

For the first time in a long time I became self-conscious about my appearance. I was wearing the grunge look. My oily looking long shoulder length hair laid flat on my head, and my scrubby feeble attempt at a beard made me look unsavory, in spite of the fine features and clear grey eyes that I knew made for a handsome face that I diligently worked to obscure. I had on a shapeless flannel shirt over a ratty tee that had 'Megadeath' scrawled across it. Down below, I wore a worn-out pair of jeans stuffed into the tops on a pair of beat-up unlaced combat boots. I could sense the disapproval emanating from Maya.

"Well, Lynn, at least there is a lot of room for improvement," she said. "Let's go." With that she swept off leaving me to trail along in her wake.

The City Of Brotherly Love was a real shock to me. The hustle and bustle of the big city made my hometown of St. Pete seem positively rural. Even the air was different. It carried a heavy taint of vehicle exhaust, underlaid with a strange tartness that, in my limited travels, I had come to associate with the northern regions of the country. The air was also devoid of the comforting salt tinge that pervaded the air of my home. Even the colors seemed subdued here. Oh there was green here and there amongst the grey and glass of the high-rises, and a rainbow of colors on billboards and other advertisements, but the overall effect was grey. Everything just seemed grey.

And crowded. The traffic was just insane. I couldn't believe there were so many cars on the road at the same time. I could definitely understand now why some people could live their whole lives in a place like this without owning a car. I was, I decided, not cut out to be a city type, though I had thought that's what I was back home, I mean I didn't exactly live in the sticks, but I certainly didn't live in any city as defined by the sensory overload the pervaded this place. I was overwhelmed.

Maya drove us to what I guessed was the outskirts of the city, since the traffic thinned out some and the huge sky rises gave way to more modest structures. Soon we pulled up to the gate of a large estate. It didn't look like any school I had ever seen.

Maya showed me to the room that would be home for me during the program. To say the least, I was disgusted. The room was so overtly feminine I wanted to gag. The walls were a pale pink and the carpet underfoot was a rose hue. The dominating feature of the room was the large canopy bed with a lacy fringe that matched the color of the walls. The furniture, a dresser, a nightstand, and what I thought was a desk with a mirror over it (I later discovered it was called a vanity and what it was for, to my chagrin.), were all done in a lacquered bright white finish with brass fittings. Even the air in the room smelled subtly of baby powder and perfume. It gave me a headache.

"This sucks," I said. "Don't you have something else less…sissified?"

Maya laughed like she had been expecting this comment and had heard it many times before, but the laughter quickly evaporated and was replaced by a stern look.

"That wasn't a very nice thing to say, Lynn. Especially since we gave you the best room we have. This is your room for the duration of your stay here," she said simply, inviting no further comment. "You get settled in. The bathroom is though that door," she pointed to one of the other two doors in the room, one of them obviously to closet. "Take care of what ever you need to take care of and then join me in the conference room at the end of this hall. Don't take too long." With that she turned and left me alone with my thoughts.

I threw my case on the bed, it was one of the small carry-on types, but it was all I was allowed to bring. I guessed at the time the school had some sort of uniform, little did I know just how completely that uniform was worn. I went and used the bathroom, sitting while I peed. That was a little trick I picked up and used when not in a filthy public restroom. The reason was, in spite of my shabby appearance, I was really a clean person and sitting while peeing was just so much cleaner. It did make me a little uncomfortable this time, though, due to the nature of the room I'd been given. I finished up and flushing the toilet, I headed toward the conference room.

Maya looked up as I entered the room. She'd been conversing with four other ladies that would also be in attendance. At Maya's direction we all moved to sit at the conference table that dominated the room. Maya took the head and the others took the flanks, leaving me at the foot. Once we were all seated a moment was taken for the others to assess me and for me to do the same with them.

Maya cleared her throat and opened a file that sat on the table in front of her. I guess this signaled the beginning of the meeting and the end of my life as I knew it.

"Lynn," Maya began, "you know why you are here, but for the sake of the other ladies present, I will spell it out. You are here because you are out of control. You have been arrested for possession of controlled substances on more than one occasion, and your parent's are powerless to stop you. You are aware that if you get arrested again that you will be tried as an adult and that will mean prison time, but you don't seem to care. Your Parent's, desperate to save you from the life you are headed for, heard about my little program and how effective it is. They have sent you to me and given me permission to treat and discipline you however I see fit. I won't lie to you. You will find my program repugnant and humiliating at first, but it will only be as hard as you make it. If you behave with maturity you will be treated maturely, however, if you behave like a petulant child then you will be treated as such. Disobedience will not be tolerated, and we have ways that even you will find extremely unpleasant to ensure compliance if you refuse to do as you are told." The look in her eyes said this was an absolute statement of fact, and I blanched.

"My program is all about behavior modification and self-control," Maya continued. "What we are going to do is make you into someone else for the duration of your stay. As this person, you will have to control your rebellious impulses or risk stepping out of character. You will find you will want to desperately avoid stepping out of character, since the result will be quite humiliating for you."

"These ladies will be your instructors…"

The grey haired woman immediately to Maya's right was Ruth. She had a youthful appearance that belied the grey hair that was pulled back into a tight bun. Her violet eyes and regal manner commanded attention when they were directed at you. This striking figure of a woman was to be in charge of my manners and deportment. What ever that meant.

To Maya's left was the fiery red haired Gwen. Her emerald eyes laughed at me, sending shivers down my spine as I was told she would be in charge of teaching me Personal Hygiene. I was already a pretty clean person as I mentioned earlier, but the message in her eyes said I wasn't going to enjoy her tutelage.

Stephanie sat to my right. She was a pretty brunette with pale brown, almost yellow eyes. She was to be responsible for making sure I was dressed in the appropriate manner for whatever the occasion demanded. 'How hard could that be,' I wondered.

Lastly, I was introduced to Sally. Sally was a platinum, almost white blonde with stunning liquid blue eyes. Short of Maya, she was the most beautiful of the ladies seated at the table. Her area of competence, it seemed, was hair and makeup. Hair and makeup?

I was a pretty smart kid, no matter how my behavior said otherwise, and I was beginning to get a clue about what these women had planned for me. I was still denying it. Surely my parent's would not have gone along with this ludicrous scheme. 'I must be wrong,' I prayed. All my fears were proven true, however, with Maya's next words.

"Dinner will be a seven tonight. That gives you five hours to at least appear to be a proper young lady. I will see you then…CAITLIN," Maya said with a meaningful look at me.

"NO WAY IN HELL," I shouted leaping up from my chair. But something was wrong. The room began to tilt at a crazy angle and there was a faint buzzing behind my ears that seemed to grow louder. I tasted a faint metallic flavor in my mouth and I looked down at the cup of soda I had been drinking. Suddenly, I knew that they had drugged me. My peripheral vision left me as blackness closed in. I staggered catching myself on the edge of the table and would have fallen as my knees collapsed, but Sally and Stephanie each had a hold of my arms and they eased me back into my seat as consciousness left me.

 

Chapter 4: Learning to be…Her

When I awoke, I had no idea what time it was, but I was glad that nightmare was over. As the familiar drug induced grogginess left me, I gradually became aware of an unaccustomed weight on my chest. My skin also seemed to tingle with sensitivity. I hadn't yet opened my eyes, but my hand moved to explore what it was on my chest. My eyes flew wide as my hand encounter two lumps of soft pliant…flesh? I sat bolt up right and noticed for the first time I was wearing a frilly nightgown, which I tore off to get a look at what I knew couldn't possibly be on my chest, and yet there they were. A perfect set of breasts. They weren't large by any means, probably barely a b-cup, but to my mind they were gargantuan. I shrieked and began sobbing.

Five night-gowned women burst into the room. Their hair was bed mussed but their eyes were alert as they took in the situation. As they assessed there was no danger they turned their collective attention to me. They stood and watched until I became aware of them.

"What have you done to me?" I sobbed.

Sally came over and hugged me tightly as Stephanie sat on the other side of me stoking my hair and saying, "There, there, Caitlin, it's not as bad as all that. You are a very pretty girl."

I tried to push them away but my heart wasn't in it. I needed the contact right then, even if it was with the people responsible for my present state. I gave up quickly and sobbed into Sally's shoulder. As my sobbing slowly subsided, Gwen bought me a box of tissues and Maya addressed me.

"Caitlin, you looked like such a perfect little angel yesterday when we finished your…adaptations, we thought we would let you sleep for the night. You must be famished, dear, after missing dinner last night. We will have breakfast shortly, but remember you must be presentable or you will go without."

"I…I can't," I moaned becoming aware of just how hungry I was.

"Why not?" asked Maya sternly.

"Because I…I…don't know how. I am a boy, for chrissakes," I shrieked girlishly.

"Well, Caitlin that's what we're here for, to help you learn," Stephanie said softly.

"Don't worry Maya, we will get her dressed and made up all pretty in no time," Sally said.

"See that she is," Maya said as she and the two older women left the room.

"She doesn't really mean to starve me if I don’t look like a girl does she?" I asked my new 'friends'. "If she does, I will be dead inside a week."

"Have a little faith, girl," Sally laughed. "Besides the fact she wouldn't let that happen, you have a lot to work with."

She pulled me up and put my nightgown back on me, then stood me in front of the mirror. I looked like me, only not. It was their 'adaptations' that fostered the illusion. For one thing, my facial hair was gone, my eyebrows had taken on a decidedly feminine arch, and I had a good bit (well, it was a lot to me) of cleavage showing out of the top of my nightgown. I could tell the breasts weren't real. They looked very real. They even felt real to my hand, but now that I had calmed down some, I realized in was a one sided feeling. I asked and was told they were high quality prosthetics, and would stay in place until a special solvent released the adhesive that held them to my chest. My legs looked surprisingly girlish now that the hair had been removed from those as well. Overall, I can’t really say the reflection in the mirror was very impressive. It looked rather androgynous at best. Apparently Steph and Sally thought differently, because they started cataloguing my feminine qualities.

"Look, Caitlin, you are not too tall, or too heavily muscled, and you are girlishly slender," Steph observed.

"And you have got the most beautiful face, with it's fine bone structure and those marvelously luminous pale grey eyes. And your hair, it is so long and beautiful already. We won’t even have to use a wig. I can't wait to get my hands on it," Sally gushed. "You are gonna be a knockout, girl. Now get in there and brush your teeth and take care of whatever else you need to before we get started."

And I was too, a knockout. Once Sally tended to my hair and applied my makeup, and Steph dressed me, they stood me in front of the mirror again. I was astonished. The reflection in front of the mirror was no longer androgynous. She was all girl, and she was beautiful.

"Caitlin," Steph said formally, "meet…yourself." Then she giggled.

I know I should have been upset by what I saw. I was after all a guy, but the reflection was so lovely. Not prefect, but still lovely. I could have fallen for this girl had I met her on the street. I guess eventually I did fall for her, but right then it was just a sense of detached admiration. Somewhere, very deep down, I heard a tiny voice crowing in triumph.

The first month or so was very difficult as I learned to move and speak in ways that were as alien to me I could imagine. Somewhere along the way I quit letting it happen to me. That is not to say I rebelled. Quite the contrary, I began to actively participate. Remember that tiny voice? Well it had taken over and my male voice had now taken the back seat in my mind. Oh it was still there but it had surrendered the playing field to this new feminine person that had awakened in me.

Funny thing was, I was more comfortable than I had ever been in my life, even when I got good enough that they decided it was time for my public debut. I wasn't scared or concerned about being humiliated like one would imagine. I was actually excited about the chance for the world to meet Miss Caitlin Davies.

I had a blast. I didn't dance that first time, because, I had admitted to Maya, I didn't know how. Well, she changed that. She taught me to dance herself. She even taught me both the female and the male roles so when I went back to my life I would still know how. The trips to the club had become a weekly thing. I even danced with guys, though I wasn't interested in giving them anything else they seemed to want from me. Caitlin still liked girls exclusively.

Slowly, I began to realize the reason I never fit in and was always uncomfortable around other people, was "her". She was truly who I was. She was the pure unfiltered natural me. And I knew all that other stuff, the stuff that had driven me to the drugs and trouble, was the result of me fighting "her".

I knew my time with Maya and the others was drawing to a close. I would soon be labeled "rehabilitated" and sent home to my parents. I dreaded this homecoming because it meant I couldn't be Caitlin anymore. It was hard enough once I was allowed to talk to my parents and I had to talk as Lynn again. I just couldn't bear the thought of having to be a man again.

It was these thoughts that I was thinking when Steph found me in my room crying one day before dinner. I was sitting in front of the window curled up in an over stuffed chair looking out in to the grounds of the estate, bitter tears of sadness leaking from my eyes as I cried silently. Steph had been passing by my room when she heard my sniffles and decide to check on me. She took one look at my forlorn expression and the tears rolling down my face and she rushed over, gathering me in her arms instantly.

"Awww, what's wrong, Sweetie?" She asked gently.

"I don't wanna go home," I sobbed.

"Why not?" Steph asked.

"Because I can't be "her". I can't be Caitlin at home," I said miserably.

"Oh my, oh," Steph said. "Come with me."

Steph lead me to Maya's down stairs office. We entered to find Maya tapping on her computer keyboard intently. She looked up sharply as Steph cleared her throat. Maya took in my tear-destroyed makeup and the tragic look I wore and her indigo eyes softened.

"What going on," Maya asked looking a Steph.

"I think she had better explain," Steph said giving my shoulders a little squeeze to show her support.

I explained the whole thing to Maya and by the end I was in tears yet again. "I just don't wanna be "him" again," I sobbed to Maya.

"So why should you?" Maya asked simply, as if she couldn't see the ridiculousness of what she was suggesting.

"I have to. My parents…" I began.

"Your parents sent you here knowing full well what our techniques are. I rather think they will welcome their daughter home same as they would their son," Maya dismissed. "If you want to be Caitlin this bad, then you should be Caitlin."

"You don't know them," I said forlornly. "They will never accept me."

"Girl, have a little faith," Maya said. "They love you very much and want you to be happy. If you need to be Caitlin to be happy, then they will love Caitlin too."

My eyes lit up with hope. "You really think…" I began.

"Tell you what, Caitlin, let's ask them. It's time they met their daughter anyway," Maya said moving to the phone.

"OMIGAWD, nooo," I begged, but it was no use. Maya continued to dial the phone. As it started to ring she put it on speaker phone.

"Hello," My dad's voice came out of the speaker.

"Hello, Mr. Davies. This is Maya Kincaid," Maya said.

"Oh, hi Ms. Kincaid. How is Lynn? Everything's alright isn't it?" Dad asked, the concern in his voice.

"Yes, of course, or it will be in a few minutes. Is Mrs. Davies home and can you both get on the line?" Maya asked.

"Sure hang on a sec," Dad said and then we heard him call for mom the pick up the phone.

"Hello," Mom's voice came on after a series of clicks.

"Mr. and Mrs. Davies, I have someone here I want you to meet. She is a beautiful and wonderful person and has just been dying to meet you. Mr. And Mrs. Davies, I give you your daughter, Caitlin," Maya said.

There was dead silence. It hung in the air like an impenetrable fog. After the third time Steph elbowed me in the ribs, this time drawing a small feminine grunt of pain from me, I finally spoke.

"Hi Mom. Hi Daddy," I said timidly in my Caitlin voice.

"Hi Sweetheart," Mom said.

"Hi…um…Caitlin," Dad said neutrally. "How are you doing? Are you having fun up there."

"Oh yes, Daddy," I said, ok, gushed girlishly. "Maya and the others are just great. They have taught me so much and I am so happy here."

"That's terrific, dear," Mom said brightly, "but aren't you about ready to come home? Maya told us you were about ready to complete the program."

"I…I can't, Mom," I said dejectedly. "At least Caitlin can't."

Another dead silence. I put my face in my hands and started to silently sob again. Steph hugged me tighter.

"Mr. and Mrs. Davies, we have a little problem. You see Caitlin has learned a few things about herself…" Maya said and then explained about what transsexuals were and about how I most likely was one. "She is very sad because she thinks you won't love and accept her and she will have to go back to being Lynn again after she leaves here."

"Caitlin?" Dad said. "Don't be absurd. How could we not love and accept our beautiful daughter? Sure we will miss our son, but you are still that child, whether you are a boy or a girl, right Dear?"

"Right," Mom said. "Caitlin, did you know I always wanted a daughter? We are gonna have a blast together you and I. We'll go shopping and to the beauty salon together. We'll be great friends, Sweetheart." Dad groaned at the shopping and beauty salon part, causing all the women including me to giggle.

The tension seemed to evaporate, and soon we were talking like I had always been their daughter. In the end it was decided that my parents would send Maya a power of attorney to have my name legally changed and they would make arrangements to me to start going to a therapist as a prelude to starting HRT (hormone replacement therapy). They let me keep the name Caitlin, but Mom insisted I take the name Sarah as my middle name. It seems all first-born daughters in her family took their great grandmother's first name to be their middle.

"Caitie, Honey," Dad said just before we hung up, "Don't worry about coming home. Your mother and I can't wait to meet you in person. I am sure you are as beautiful as you sound." Then we hung up. I was like I had started, with tears running down my face, only this time they were tears of happiness not sadness.

"So, Miss Caitlin Sarah Davies, how about we go out and celebrate," Maya said to me.

"Great," I said, "just gimme an hour to get cleaned up. I know I am a mess."

"Yes, but you are a lovely mess," Steph said as she shooed me out of the room. "Hurry, there are hearts to be broken tonight, girl, and you will shatter everyone of them."

"Don't worry," I called back over my shoulder, "I'll be sure to save a few for you girls."

Chapter 5: Abject horror

I danced that night. I danced like my soul had been set free. I danced with a wild abandon and a passion that I had never felt before. I was the happiest girl in the world, and it gave me the energy to dance like I never had before and, though I didn't yet know it, I never would again.

The club was getting crowded and my dancing was making me hot. Soon I couldn't catch my breath, so I told my five girl friends that I was going to step out to get some fresh air and catch my breath. Sally and Steph got up to go with me, but I smiled at them and said I was just gonna be a minute. I told them to stay and enjoy themselves. For some reason they listened, and soon I found myself slipping out the side door to the club into the cool night air, alone.

The door had barely shut when I heard it. A male voice.

"Well, well, what have we here fellas," it said from the darkness. I knew instantly from the mocking tone of that voice I was in deep trouble. I spun and tried to open the door to get back inside, but it was a heavy door and by the time I had got it open, one of the thugs slammed it shut again.

"Yup. This is our lucky night, fellas," the voice said again. "I can't wait to get inside that." The 'fellas' chuckled appreciatively. Suddenly, I felt my arms grabbed and twisted painfully behind me. The owner of the voice and three of his cohorts materialized out of the darkness into the feeble light cast by the naked bulb over the door.

He stepped up real close to me. I could smell his fetid breath in my face as he spoke, "How about it, babe, you gonna be real 'nice' to us?"

He made the mistake of getting too close to me, and I brought my knee up, connecting solidly with his crotch. He dropped like a sack of potatoes. I began to struggle with my captor, while the other thugs looked at their fallen comrade in shock.

"Damn this little bitch is strong," my captor yelled. "Somebody put her out before she gets away."

That snapped the others out of their daze, but before they could do anything, I brought the point of my spike heel down on the instep of the goon holding me. I felt his grip relax as he screamed in pain and I pulled free. I was free, now all I had to do was run. I had to make it to the safety of the front of the club. I never got the chance, however, before the blackjack came down and hit me in the side of the head.

I wasn't out for very long, but when I came to my hands were tied in front of me and a goon was holding a knife to my throat. "If she tries that again," the first goon said, "Cut her throat."

"Now, time for a little pay back," he said and then punched me in the stomach. I was everything I could do to keep from doubling over and cutting my own throat on the knife. "Let's check out the goods."

The thug drew his own knife and cut the sleeveless shoulders of my LBD. The silky black dress slithered to the ground. "Little skinny for my taste, but she looks nice and young. She bound to have a nice tight little twat," the bastard commented as he looked at my exposed body. I wondered what was gonna happen when they found out what I really was. Or maybe I didn't want to know. He slid the side of the knife gently down my curves after a short pause at my bra. He left that on but he soon got to my panties.

"Looky here, Fellas," the thug said, "We got our selves a real little slut. She's wearing a garter belt and stockings." He cut my panties off. I closed my eyes, knowing I was about to be found out. The thug grabbed my crotch, then quickly snatched his hand away as if burned. He hissed and stepped back.

"Fellas, it looks like we got ourselves a little faggot here. Well faggot, your gonna wish you was never born. It ain't nice to trick a man like that. Get him all hot for the pussy and then not have any to offer. Well, we'll take care of that later, but first we are gonna show you how it feels for a real girl. Get on your knees faggot," the talkative thug commanded and I was forced to my hands and knees.

A cock was shoved in my face, and I was told to suck it. I was also told that if I tried to bite they would cut my throat. The cock was then forced into my mouth and down my throat, choking me. As the goon in front was using my mouth, another took up position behind me.

I had never known profound pain until that night. I would have screamed in agony as it felt like a tree trunk complete with bark was forced into my anal cavity, but the cock in my throat prevented any sound from coming out. Tears began leaking from my eyes as my threshold of pain was exceeded, and I wished for the release of death, or at least unconsciousness. They all took turns using me and sometime during the horror, my mind detached. It was like I was observing through someone else's eyes. They were using my body but were no longer touching me. After what seemed like ages, the thugs were spent. That doesn't mean they where through with me, they were just done raping me. They began to kick me. After the first blow landed I felt ribs crack, and I balled up into fetal position with my arms covering my face.

Just before I blacked out I saw light spill into the ally as the door to the club was flung open and several big men rushed out grabbing the thugs. I was saved, was my first thought, but then I thought it might have been better if the thugs had killed me. Then the abyss thankfully claimed me.

 

Chapter 6: Caitlin No More

I woke up in the hospital. I found out the thugs had broken my arm and a leg. They had fractured my skull with the blackjack. Add to that the several broken ribs and bruised organs, not to mention numerous cuts and bruises. I wore so many bandages I looked literally like I should have been on display at the museum in the ancient Egyptian exhibit. This was all on top of my ravaged and torn anus.

Mom and Dad were there and so was Maya. Maya looked pale and drawn like she hadn't slept in days. I found out later she hadn't. I was out for three days following the incident, and she had been there beside my bed the whole time. So had the rest of the ladies, but they had gone to clean up and get Maya and my parents some food.

"C…Caitlin," Mom asked hesitantly, noticing I had opened my eyes.

I closed my eyes and shook my head, fighting down the feeling of nausea the movement caused. "Caitlin is gone, Mom," I said weakly in Lynn's voice. "She will never be around again."

Maya made a sound like someone had kicked her in the gut, "Lynn you can't mean that."

"Look, Maya, you know what happened to her. She can't deal with it, so she crawled back into whatever little hole in my mind that she came from and slammed the door bolting it tight," I said.

"But you are her," Maya started to argue.

"NO!" I said vehemently. "What happened, happened to her, not me. She couldn't deal with it and I don't have to."

"Oh God, Lynn," Maya said kneeling by the bed and taking my free hand and putting it to her cheek, "I am so sorry. This was all my fault…"

"You are wrong, Maya," I stopped her. "It was all Caitlin's fault. She was the one that went out there alone."

"But I could have…I should have made someone go with you," Maya said.

"Then what, Maya?" I asked her. "Then there would have be more than one of us in here, that's what. There were five of them. Caitlin should never have gone out that door."

"He is right, Maya," my dad said, putting a hand on her shoulder as she sobbed against my hand. "I wanted to be mad at you. For letting this happen to our child, but he doesn't blame you and I find that I can't either. Lynn, it wasn't Caitlin's fault either. It was those thugs that did it. It was their fault, and luckily concerned citizens caught them at the scene. They are going away for a long long time for sexual assault and attempted murder of a minor."

"Still," Maya said tearfully, "I have failed you Lynn. I was supposed to help you and I failed you. I am so sorry for that."

"No, Maya," I told her firmly. "I came to you because I was troubled. My troubles I figured out were caused by Caitlin trying to get out. Well, her spirit is broken and she doesn't want to come out anymore. I don't think I will have those problems ever again, but if I do then I will know what it is."

"Lynn, honey," Mom said, "You are talking about this like you and Caitlin are two different people. That sounds crazy. I still want you to see a therapist."

"I know, Mom. It does sound crazy, but Caitlin was part of my personality that I kept suppressed. Locked back in my mind to keep people from seeing that part of me. That part of my personality wanted out and the struggle to keep it inside was causing me to do the drugs and get into trouble. Now it's locked back away with that horrible experience and doesn't want to come out anymore. I guess what I am saying is I don't want to be a girl anymore. I want to be a man, because men don't get raped," I explained.

I was in the hospital for several more weeks as my injuries healed. They had to operate on my abused rectum a couple of times and the other women from the school, particularly, Steph and Sally, worked on me very hard not to let Caitlin go. In the end though, they respected my choice, though they were very sad to hear it.

On the day I was discharged from the hospital, Maya, Steph, and Sally drove my parents and me to the airport. They sat with us and chatted until it was announced that boarding would commence. The three women hugged me tearfully and Maya looked me right in the eye.

"If you ever need anything," she said with conviction. "I don't care what it is. You let me know, you promise?"

"Ok, Maya," I said.

"Promise me," she insisted.

"I promise, Maya, if I ever need anything you'll be the first to know," I said smiling at her.

-----------------------------------------

"I lied of course," Caitlin said. "When my parents died four years later in the car accident, I didn't tell them I was all alone, but they found out some how and those five wonderful women were there for me. They flew down and helped with the arrangements and helped me with my grief. They didn't leave until I knew I would be all right."

"I haven't seen them since, but we talk twice or three times a year. Usually, my birthday, Christmas, and sometimes the anniversary of the rape."

Somewhere, while telling the story, Caitlin had returned. Janet found herself holding the smaller girl and crying with her as she related the tragic experience.

"Caitlin?" Janet asked, looking out the back window of the truck at the lightening sky. "Please don't go away again, at least not for very long."

"I don't know if I have a choice, Janet," Caitlin shook her head. "It still hurts so bad."

"Please, sweetie," Janet pleaded, "I will help you deal with the pain, and I really want to get to know you. Just stay with me now and let me hold you a little while longer, at least until the sun comes up." Janet held the smaller girl tightly and stroked her hair as they sat in the big black Ford, crying softly and watching the sunrise.

When the sun topped the horizon, Caitlin disengaged from Janet's embrace. Janet passed her a moist towelet and the smaller girl began cleaning up her tear-streaked makeup. Caitlin then took the repair kit that Janet had removed from her fanny pack and unconsciously began to reapply her makeup expertly. Janet watched the girl that used to be her boyfriend put on her makeup with a warm smile, then she too fixed her make up, before putting the big 4x4 in gear and once again kicking up masses of sand in the air as she got the heavy truck moving in the loose sand. They would of course have to stop for gas on the way home, since they had burned most of it keeping the Florida heat and humidity at bay while Caitlin told her tale, but by unspoken agreement, Caitlin was going to stay at least until they got home and to the shower.

 

Chapter 7: Nightmares

Lynn once again stood in the doorway of a bathroom. Once again his brown hair dripped from his shower and his nude body was silky smooth. Janet looked at her boyfriend and hugged him tightly.

"I am so sorry I made you do that," she said.

"No you're not," Lynn said smiling at her sardonically.

"No, Lynn, I mean it. If I had known it was so painful for you I wouldn't have even suggested it," Janet told him.

"Well, you might not have at that, had you known, but I really don't think you are all that sorry you did," Lynn said gently disengaging from his girlfriend, "I know you girlfriend and Caitlin and I have no secrets from each other. I know you like her and I know you are going to want to see her around again. So I think you are glad you got the opportunity to meet her, however painful it was for all of us."

Janet didn't say anything else as Lynn sat at the foot of their bed and fell back with his arms spread wide. She went in and took her shower. When she came out he was softly snoring having finally fallen asleep in the position he first assumed on the bed. She crawled up be side him and put an arm over his body and her head on his shoulder, and she soon fell asleep too.

Janet woke up to a woman's scream. She leaped up trying to figure out where it had come from. Then she saw Lynn sitting at the end of the bed holding his face in his hands sobbing softly. Only it wasn't Lynn. It was Caitlin, Janet could tell by the subtle posture change and the feminine sound of the quiet sobs.

Going over to the girl, Janet gathered Caitlin up in her arms. "It's ok honey, I am here. I've gotcha," Janet crooned softly.

When the girl's sobs subsided, Janet got up and went to the kitchen to make them some tea. She was headed back into the bedroom with the cups in her hand when she noticed Caitlin had cleaned her self up and was sitting on the sofa in one of Janet's nightgowns and robes. She was the very picture of femininity sitting with her legs tucked up under her looking out the window that was behind the sofa. She turned to Janet smiling brightly when she heard the teacups rattling.

"You're an angel," Caitlin told her accepting a cup from her.

"Caitlin," Janet began carefully, "You're back. Why?"

"Umm…I had a nightmare," the girl said, "I woke up in Caitlin mode and…umm…I guess it's not gonna be quite so easy to put this part of me away again now that I have brought it out. I don't know if I am ready to deal with what happened yet, but I don't think I want to let this part go again."

"It has been 8 years, love. Maybe you are ready to deal with it and move on," Janet suggested.

"Perhaps," Caitlin agreed, "but Lynn has to take the finals coming up. This may not be a good time to deal with it."

"Judging from that nightmare you had, it may not give you a choice," Janet commented.

Caitlin looked down into her teacup for a long moment.

"Who do you want me to be, Janet?" the smaller girl asked quietly.

"Oh, Honey, you know that's not a fair question, but," Janet said with a mischievous grin, "I do have answer for you, though maybe not the one you want. I want you to be whoever you need to be. I love Lynn and as Caitlin is just a feminine projection of Lynn, I love her too. Funny thing is I am finding that I feel differently about the two parts of the whole. Lynn makes me feel safe and protected, while Caitlin is so vulnerable and fragile, she makes me want to take her in my arms and protect her from the evil in the world."

Caitlin looked up and smiled at Janet, but Janet could still see the ghastly torment in the girl's steel grey eyes. She wanted to take that torment away so badly. Janet's heart twisted in her chest, knowing she was impotent do remove Caitlin's pain, but she did see something else in those eyes too, and that gave her hope. She saw the love and tenderness that she had seen so many times in Lynn's eyes when he looked at her. These emotions seemed to be doing battle for dominance with the hideous anguish. Janet knew if time heals all wounds, then love is the salve that speeds the healing along.

"So are you gonna be in Caitlin mode for a while today?" Janet asked her.

"I don't know. Why?" Caitlin returned.

"Well, I thought if Caitlin was gonna be around more often now, maybe we could go shopping for her. You know, get Caitlin her own wardrobe. I don't mind you wearing my stuff, but let's face it girl, you and I are shaped a bit differently and not all my stuff will fit you in size or coloring. Though I must admit you look fabulous in my nightie," Janet said this last with a lecherous grin.

"You know, lover, that is not a half bad idea," Caitlin said smiling at the bigger girl. "Nothing takes a girl's mind off her problems like a spending spree at the mall."

"You know it, girlfriend," Janet crowed, and the girls high-fived each other.

The girls jumped up and headed for the bedroom. It took some time but they found a cute little outfit that fit Caitlin adequately enough for a mall crawl, and soon they were dressed with their makeup on and Janet was fussing once again with Caitlin's hair. Janet wanted her to wear it down, so she was brushing it out into a feminine shape. She finally achieved a satisfactory result and the girls headed out the door. They where about to take Janet's Prelude, being a more feminine type of car but they looked at each other, and in unspoken agreement, they took Caitlin's truck. They might need the cargo capacity. Caitlin decided to take a chance and she drove the big Ford this time. They giggled forever about it when Janet pointed out they were a redneck's dream, two beautiful women in a big macho 4x4.

 

Chapter 8: Schism

Caitlin woke up screaming and sobbing again that night. Lynn had been the one to fall asleep after a couple of hours of the incredible love making he and Janet shared. She really wanted to try it with him in Caitlin mode, but when Caitlin refused to make any moves on her, Janet took matters into her own hands and began a seduction of Caitlin. Much to her surprise, she hadn't gotten passed some kissing and light petting, when she found herself suddenly making out with Lynn. She couldn't hide her disappointment that Caitlin had fled the intimacy leaving Lynn to take over, but she loved Lynn (she had a hard time not adding the word 'too' to that thought). He had always been an attentive lover, though not as tender as a woman was, so she would never be truly disappointed to be with him.

She did begin to wonder though, as she held the sobbing Caitlin. The change between Lynn and Caitlin was striking. Even he/she sometimes seemed to have trouble remembering that he/she was the same person. Thinking about it, it didn’t seem too unreasonable to think maybe there was something else at work here. Maybe the trauma has caused Lynn's personality to fracture, the masculine from the feminine, because neither side could handle what had happened.

What did seem obvious to Janet was that, once awoken, Caitlin was now ready to put the past behind her. To do this, Lynn was going to have to get some professional help. Janet resolved to find just that for them.

*****

It had taken some research, but eventually Janet got the name of a therapist that seemed tailor made for Lynn's situation. And she was right here on campus. The therapist was experienced in helping both rape victims and the transgendered. She had of course taken the liberty of calling and making Lynn and appointment. She had even been persuasive enough to get it as soon as tomorrow, given the exams would start soon, and they didn't need to spend any more sleepless nights during those.

Lynn arrived at home that evening his normal bright positive self. At least the self the Janet had known originally. She could still see traces of Caitlin in those haunted grey eyes, but overall, he seemed to be happy. Janet was glad he seemed to be in an agreeable mood. He was glad to let her take the lead in their relationship, but that doesn't in any way mean that she dominated him. Indeed, if he wasn't happy with one of her decisions, he could be as stubborn as a brick wall. She now realized that he happily let her control the trivialities in their lives because his resources were being consumed on some subconscious level with holding down his inner demons. Even so, he seemed to have pride and self worth which Caitlin lacked.

Caitlin, like a lot of women that had been raped, felt tainted and dirty. She didn't feel that she was good enough to be loved, thus had she shied away from the intimacy the night before. It was this more than anything, Janet supposed, that caused her to think that Caitlin and Lynn were two different personalities, or fractured pieces of the whole at any rate. She explained this all to Lynn, and, surprisingly, he agreed with her.

"Lynn, Honey," Janet said tentatively, "I am glad you agree with me because I made to an appointment with a therapist for tomorrow after classes."

"I see," said Lynn noncommittally. "Well, if you think it will help. I guess it can't hurt."

"Of course I think it will help, silly. Lynn, I just want you to be a whole person again. You are way good enough for me now, but I want you to be all you can be," Janet told him.

"But what if Caitlin is the dominant side like she was before?" Lynn asked her. "Can you handle it if I became a transsexual again?"

"Of course, you dope," Janet said with affection. "I love you, and I want you to be whoever you need to be. If Caitlin is who you need the world to see then I want you to be her. I love all of you, including Caitlin. And don't forget I am Bi, so you would be the best of everything for me, right?"

"But wouldn't you eventually want a real man?" Lynn asked her.

"I am assuming by that you mean a big macho muscle-bound pin head with a nine inch cock?" Janet asked. "Lynn, before this weekend was there any doubt in your mind that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you?" Lynn shook his head saying he had no doubt. "Lynn look at yourself. I don't mean this as an insult to your masculinity, but you are nowhere near that macho life support for a cock. If you had been I wouldn't have been attracted to you to begin with. You have always had a slight, even feminine, build, and you are not so testosterone soaked that you think with your prick. Believe me when I say this, the only thing that will change if you become Caitlin is that the rest of the world will see the attractive woman that I always knew was there."

Lynn got up and hugged her tightly.

"I love you," he said clinging to Janet almost desperately. "You are the best."

*****

Dr. Claudia Sharps, sat in her office looking at the slight man that sat across from her. He had arrived at her office a short time ago and they had made introductions and filled out the paper work. Now they were in that awkward phase where they got to know each other.

"So Lynn, what seems to be the trouble?" she asked sounding remarkably cliche to Lynn. "Your…girlfriend?…was quite insistent that I see you as soon as I could."

Lynn had deliberated about how he would handle this. He had finally decided he would be as blunt as possible. To that end he began to speak.

"I used to be a transsexual, Dr, Sharps," Lynn began, causing the doctor's eyebrows to arch and she interrupted him.

"Used to be?" She asked. "As in you are not anymore? It was my understanding that if you were you always were, if not then you are not."

Lynn gave her a small sad smile, and told her his story. She was horrified at the pain and suffering the person in front of her had held inside him for eight years. It amazed her that he had been able to function this long without self-destructing. What amazed her even more was when, as had happened with Janet, Caitlin had taken over at some point and finally finished the story.

"So you see, Doc, after all the nightmares and waking up as Caitlin, I think the two sides of my personality are ready to be rejoined," explained the girl, for it was impossible for the Doctor to think of the person that now sat before her as anything else. Everything about her, her movement, her speech, her posture, everything screamed 'I am a woman'.

By the end of the session, Lynn was back, and the doctor had formulated a plan. She was improvising a little because she had never had a case quite like this one.

"Lynn, I am going to give you something to help with the nightmares. Here is my assessment. I don't think you have MPD, but I have never seen anything quite like this. I think you and your girlfriend are right. As some kind of defense mechanism, your personality has separated the masculine from the feminine. I think it will be a relatively easy thing to fix, but dealing with the rape will be the tough part. Here is what I have in mind. I know that exams are coming up in a few weeks, so we won't do anything until after them, except office visits of course, but after you have the exams out of the way, I want you to be Caitlin all the time, no matter how painful or frightening it may seem. The idea being, your masculine side that is used to being in control will gradually rejoin with Caitlin. I won't lie to you. Being Caitlin full time again is going to be very painful. That side of you has a lot of undealt with issues, but I also think your assessment was right about it being time to put them behind you instead of burying them. Next week when you come in, please come as Caitlin," Dr. Sharps told him and filled out an appointment card as Lynn filled out a check.

 

Chapter 9: Examinations

Unfortunately, the meds that the doctor has prescribed seemed to need to build up in Lynn's system before they really became effective. Consequently, when exam time rolled around the nightmares had only just become less often than a nightly event. The loss of sleep was telling on both Lynn and Janet. Coupled with the pressures they faced with their up coming trials, they were both somewhat surly, especially to each other. It wouldn't be fair to say that they were at each other's throats, but even their friends remarked on how the world's greatest romance seemed to have taken a turn for the worst. In truth, they were only slightly less affectionate toward each other, but a lot more snappish.

Janet had come home complaining bitterly about how tired she was and she believed she had blown her first day of exams. She was an Aerospace engineering major and had a rigorous technical class schedule. The complex equations, that would have normally been a breeze for her, had kept turning into a mountain of indecipherable symbology. Lynn had had a similar kind of day. He was an architectural engineering student. He had known he hadn't performed to his normal abilities either. They were both among the top students in their classes, and they hated not doing well.

Lynn was in the middle of preparing their dinner, when Janet came in.

"I can't believe this," she said venomously, "I am so stinking tired that I can't think straight. I will be lucky if I passed those exams at all. When are your stinkin' drugs gonna kick in so I can get some sleep?" She may or may not have been pinning the blame of her less than prefect performance on Lynn. In her fatigue and disappointment, even she wasn't sure.

Lynn rocked back as if she'd slapped him. He threw the cooking utensil he had been using on the counter and looked at her with betrayal in his eyes.

"Well excuse me for being raped!" he shouted at her. "But as I recall it was your stupid stunt that caused all of this." He pivoted, grabbed his keys off the counter, and was out the door. He hadn't even bothered to turn off the stove.

Janet was still standing there with her mouth open, absorbing the implications of what had just happened, when she heard the diesel engine of the big Ford fire up and the low pitched howl of the tires as Lynn violently maneuvered the big truck out of the driveway and down the street.

"Omigawd," Janet thought to herself, "what have I done?"

*****

Janet had finished making dinner, and had waited as long as she could before eating alone. After a further wait, she was putting the now cold meal in the refrigerator, when she was gripped by fear. What if he doesn't come home, she thought. What if he does something rash? She started to panic. Grabbing her purse she got in her car and started looking for him.

She had soon exhausted all the places she thought he might have gone. She had searched in increasing desperation and was even considering involving the police, thinking he might have had an accident or something. Then she recalled a place he had taken her a couple of times, and told her he liked to go when he needed to think or be alone. It was about a half hour into the rural area outside of town, so she pointed the Prelude in that direction and hoped she didn't miss the turn off.

It turned out she need not have worried about missing the turn off because it was clearly marked by the fresh dirt thrown on to the road by large mud grip tires. She had to abandon the Honda as soon as she got of the road because it would never have negotiated the mud soaked two tracker that led into the woods. She would have to walk and she knew she would be walking for a while.

Had she not been so upset she might have noticed the beauty of the moon lit woods as she walked. She certainly noticed the less pleasant pungent aroma of the freshly churned up mud she was stumbling through. She heard him long before she could see him. The heavy sounds of Godsmack echoed through the woods. That wasn't a good sign. That was Lynn's anger/depression music. She finally reached the clearing she was looking for and there he was.

Lynn was sitting on the hood of the black Ford leaning back against the front windshield. He had his hands behind his head and was looking up at the stars as he listened to the angry music blearing for the custom stereo in the truck. He seemed oblivious to her approach, not surprising considering the volume of the music. He must have known though because he didn't even jump when she leaned in the open door and shut the stereo off. Either that or he didn't care who it was.

"Lynn, Honey?" she asked timidly.

"Yeah, what do you want?" he said acidly. "You didn't get it all out of your system earlier so you had to come find me and tell me some more about how I am ruining your GPA?"

"Lynn, Honey," she said softly, "Please come home."

"No, I don't think so," he said, still not having looked at her. "I believe I will just stay right here and let you get some sleep for a change. I wouldn't want my problems interfere with your education." His tone was dripping sarcasm and hurt.

She swallowed the brief flicker of irritation that flared inside her briefly. "Lynn, I am so sorry. I had no right to blame you for this. I don't know what came over me. I am tired and cranky, and I was a total bitch. You are the most important person in the world to me. Way more important than any exam or my GPA. Please come home." Tears were in her eyes and her voice quavered with emotion.

"Janet, just go home and leave me alone," he said, sadness replacing the anger in his voice. "I'll be ok, I just want to be alone for awhile."

"Sorry, not gonna happen," she said firmly, climbing up on the hood of the truck herself.

She leaned back beside him and rested her head in his armpit. Her arm snaked across his chest and she said, "If you are gonna sleep out here then so am I."

They lay there without speaking for quite awhile before he gave up. Rolling out of her embrace and off the hood of the truck, he said, "Fine you win. Get in, unless you wanna walk back out of here."

The big diesel engine was firing up as she scrambled carefully to the ground and got into the passenger compartment of the truck. As soon as her door shut, Lynn matted the gas and spun the 4x4 violently around, heading back out to the road. She swore as her head nearly bounced off the roof twice before she could get buckled in. Lynn was driving through the headlight lit woods at a suicidal pace. The way he slid sideways around the curves and plunged through the mud holes, one would have thought he was driving in a rally race. They did, however, arrive at the road and her car unscathed except for maybe a little tenderness where the seat belts kept them firmly in the seats through the rough ride.

He dropped her off at her car then waited at the road for her to get turned around and follow. As she pulled up behind him, he matted the gas again, spinning a huge amount of dirt on to the front of her car. After she had to count backward from ten to let her anger cool, she began to laugh. 'I guess that was my own stupid fault for pulling up behind him, knowing how he was driving,' she thought to her self in wry amusement. She pulled out behind him as soon as the dirt had settled and they headed home.

Janet knew his mood had broken when she pulled in next to him in the driveway. Gone was the angry heavy beat of Godsmack. She heard the dulcet tones of Sarah McLachlan drifting out of the truck before he had removed the key, silencing the stereo.

She was getting out of her car when he came around the front of the black 4x4 and paused. He looked contrite as he examined the amount of dirt all over the hood of the previously immaculate Prelude.

"I guess I owe you a car wash," Lynn said sheepishly.

"Don't sweat it," Janet said softly as she came up and enfolded him in her arms. "I am just glad you are home with me."

Chapter 10: Parting Ways To Be Rejoined

They actually managed to sleep through the night that night and most of the rest of the week. Being better rested, they were much less irritable and they did much better on their exams than they had that first day.

As the last day of the semester came and went, Lynn knew it was time for him to go on vacation. His and Janet's love making that night had an intensity that only couples soon to be parted ever experienced. If all went according to plan, Lynn would never be back, as completely male anyway. Maybe not even in body. If his and Caitlin's personalities remerged, he realistically saw no reason why he wouldn't return to the transsexuality he had discovered before the rape.

So it was when Caitlin woke up that night with a scream and began sobbing, Lynn was not going to be back any time in the near future. When Caitlin's sobbing subsided, the girls busied themselves packing. Caitlin would begin her recovery by a little time away from home.

By noon the day, the girls were all set to get on the road. They had opted to take the truck, do to the extra room to move around. It was loaded with their luggage and road essentials. The house was buttoned up and arrangements were made with a neighbor to pick up the mail and look after things.

The girls climbed into the black Ford. Janet looked over at the beloved person sitting beside her, reaching over and squeezing the smaller girl's hand. She didn't know who that person would turn out to be, but she was certain of one thing…she loved both Lynn and Caitlin more that life itself. She vowed no matter what, nothing would come between them…ever. Caitlin pointed the big truck toward the interstate and points north. So began her journey to heal old wounds and re-discover herself.

 

Epilogue: Revisiting

Maya watched from the seat she had just taken in the front row of white folding chairs. She had tears in her eyes as the young couple recited their vows beneath a flowered trellis. The couple was beautiful to be sure. The taller of the two was a lean strawberry blonde. Her dress was a simple pearlesant white silk sheath that hugged her athletic curves. Her ice blue eyes were brimming with love for the shorter one. The shorter one was a beautiful brunette. Her dress was far more elaborate than the blonde's, but they complimented each other. The brunette's dress had full flowing skirts and a large train. Her sweetheart neckline plunged to reveal a modest amount of cleavage. Maya giggled at this. She knew these were not forms this time. Nor were they implants. These were one hundred percent natural not-quite-C-cup womanly charms. The brunette's grey eyes were if anything even more full of love for her partner. The love she radiated flowed forth and infected all present. Older couples long passed the flush of new love were once again looking at each other with renewed passion, and the younger people gazed with rapture at the miracle they bore witness to.

The bride's maids were arrayed to either side of the couple. Maya's own girls stood for the brunette, even as Maya had been the one to give her away. Friends from their southern home stood for the blonde. Notable in their absence were groomsmen, but that was understandable with no groom.

At the reception, Maya watched as the lovely newly weds held each other tenderly, speaking quietly to one another as they danced. Her indigo eyes filled with tears as she remembered the day two years ago that the very same large black Ford truck that was now bedecked with streamers and scrawled with 'Just Married', had pulled up to the estate carrying the student she had failed and her friend. It had been an emotional reunion for Maya. She thought she would never she Caitlin again. Maya had carried the guilt of the girl's loss for eight long years. It was a balm for her soul to see her again.

They had come to begin Caitlin's healing process, and it was soon evident that the girl's fractured soul was once again becoming one again. Caitlin had picked up where she had left off all those years ago. She had changed her name and began her HRT, as she began to flourish in the loving support Maya and her girls provided. Maya had only been too happy to acquiesce when the couple had come to her with their plans to be married and to hold the ceremony and reception on the mansion grounds.

The tears once again returned to Maya's eyes as the young couple charged down the walk amidst the shower of rice the guests were hurling into the air around them. She was thinking of those two lovely and supportive parents that had missed their daughter's big day having had their lives ripped from them prematurely by cruel fate. She was, of course, wrong about that. They hadn't missed it. They had watched over their daughter from on high, in whatever her guise, ever since they had been forced to leave her.

As for Caitlin, her wounds healed and the desperate halves of her soul once again rejoined, but the scars remained. It was understandable. One doesn't ever truly recover from such a horrific experience, but Janet was always there to hold her when the infrequent nightmares woke her screaming and sobbing, and to kiss away the pain when the horror clouded those beautiful liquid grey eyes. She never had SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery), and said, with a blush, when someone asked her reason, 'It's not important to me and…Janet likes that particular bit'.

The End

"Understand what I've become…It wasn't my design"-the Cranberries

 

 

 

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© 2002 by Lisa Grey. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.